Wednesday, July 23, 2003

"May It Be" by Enya from "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" soundtrack...

Ohayo, minnasan, I hope that everyone is currently in great health and happy spirits! I had a disgustingly long day, but that's what I get for staring at a T.V. 8 hours of the day and getting paid for it, ne?

To meh youkai, get better for me baby... I don't like the idea of you being injured in any way, shape or form, so stay off your legs and let your knee get healed, ne? ::hugs and kisses:: That'll make it a bit better, I hope!

A plug for my dear otakuchan, LNchan and her buddies at are doing the yearly Blogathon... This year the proceeds go to animal preservation, and it's a very worthy cause! You can either make a direct donation, or you can go by the hour! But for a direct donation of $15.00 or more, you can get some really spiffy stuff, so please, stop by and check it out, ne? The animals can't do anything for themselves and I'm not sure I'd want LNchan's tigers chasing after me... They look sorta scary...

Now for another fic... I usually don't post more than one fic every couple weeks, but I found this one on a disk I had... This is the first Saiyuki fic I ever wrote and still is by far, my most favorite. I've never posted it for viewing, though meh Sissy has read it and I'm glad she really enjoyed it... I actually wrote it for her! I hope you all enjoy it too! ::smiles::


"...please forgive me..."
By: Miracle Shining

AUTHOR'S NOTES: All "Gensomaden Saiyuki" characters belong to Kazuya Minekura, Enix Inc. and TV Tokyo. The character of "Sara" belongs to me. Please don't sue me, I have no money. This is a YAOI fan fiction piece and you should be the age of 18 years or older or of the legal age in your state/country. The song "Please Forgive Me" is by Bryan Adams from "So Far, So Good" and is copyrighted under him and his company. FLAMES WILL BE COMPLETELY IGNORED! Arigato, and enjoy!

SPECIAL NOTE: (**) Indicates Gojyo's private thoughts

~It still feels like our first night together,
Feels like the first kiss,
It's getting better baby,
No one can better this,
Still holding on,
You're still the one...~

Gojyo sat at the table, silent, his trademark cheap cigarette dangling from his lips. He felt completely numb, even more than he thought a human or youkai could feel. He wanted to only stare at the table, but the conversation that was occurring continually forced him to look upwards. The laughter did too. The damn joyous laughter.

His eyes moved to Goku to the right of him, who was laughing happily, eating a steamed meat bun. Gojyo's eyes then moved to Sanzo. The priest still wore his stern, sour expression, but seemed a little more light hearted than usual. Perhaps it was because of the occassion. They were to celebrate tonight, but Gojyo had no reason to be joyous.

"And what do you think, Gojyo?" came a soft, warm voice.

Gojyo turned his attention painfully to the brunette haired man wearing the monocle. He was smiling a warm, comforting smile. It wasn't a mask this time, it was a pure smile. Gojyo wished he could have been the reason for the young man's joy, but he wasn't. It was the person sitting beside him that was.

"Ne, Hakkai, what was the question?"

"Oh, Gojyosan, you never listen do you?" said the person beside Hakkai.

Gojyo avoided looking at her. It was a her, which seemed to make it harder. She was beautiful, stunning, red long flowing hair and sparkling blue eyes. She had an ample bust that was covered modestly by a green wool sweater. Her long pleated skirt rested delicately over her ankles. She was perfect in every way, and that perfect girl's hand rested in the hand of Hakkai's, a ring on her finger.

"You know me, Sara, we sex fiends never keep our minds on anything for too long."

Sara immediately blushed but then laughed, joined by Hakkai and Goku's soft laughter. Gojyo couldn't handle it, couldn't stand being around so much happiness when he himself was in agony.

Pushing himself back from the table, he picked up his package of cigarettes and lighter and headed for the door.

"Ne, Gojyo, where are you going?"

"You are all boring me, I want to go out and play with some pretty ladies. I'll be back later, ja..." Gojyo absently said.

"Maa, maa, can I come with you?"

"Stupid ape, you'd cramp my style!"

"I'm not a stupid ape!"

"Gojyosan, you didn't answer our question!" Sara said cheerfully after him. "What colors do you think should be in Hakkai and my's wedding?"

Gojyo swallowed and turned back to the four at the table.

"How about something in 'red'?" he said quietly, his voice hiding the vehemence in his words.

Sanzo immediately gave Gojyo a dirty look. If Hakkai had noticed the hidden inferences in Gojyo's words, he was completely oblivious, too wrapped up in his new lady's attentions to notice.

Gojyo stared at the happy duo for a moment longer before sliding out of the door. He closed it behind himself, staring up at the night sky.

**It's true... I'm dying inside...**

~First time our eyes met,
Same feeling I get,
Only much stronger,
I wanna love you longer,
Do you still turn the fire on?~

**I knew the moment he looked at me with those green eyes, I was lost to him. I picked him up out of the rain and brought him home with me. Those eyes, they felt as though they could stare through my soul...**

Gojyo paused, watching some beautiful young women across the street staring at him. He sighed, wanting to go over and talk to them, but the pain of doing so made him instead cross the street to a nearby alleyway. He ducked inside, resting his back against the stone cold wall. Pulling out his half empty carton of cigarettes, he popped a stick into his mouth and lit it with his almost empty lighter. How many cigarettes had he smoked in the past few days they had been in this village? More than he could count, more than he wanted to remember.

They had just stopped at the village for an evening and Hakkai and Goku had went shopping. When they came back, Hakkai also came back with something outside of food. Her name was Sara and she lived in the village, working as a seamstress. It didn't take a genius to see the chemistry bouncing off her and Hakkai. Before any of the others really knew what happened, Hakkai announced two days later that he had decided to stay with Sara and marry her. It was the crimson haired man's turn to wear the mask. He had just smiled, excused himself, and then got sick in the bathroom with disgust for himself.

Gojyo sighed, pushing himself off the wall. He wasn't looking for female companionship tonight, he was looking for a way out. Walking out of the alley, he began his trek back to the inn. The breeze caught his long hair and brushed it out in front of his face.

**My hair no longer reminds me of my own sorrows, Hakkai... Now it reminds me only of you...**

~So if you're lonely, don't,
You're the only one I'll ever want,
I only want to make it good,
So if I love you a little more than I should...~

Gojyo opened the door to the inn slowly, listening to the echoing creak of the old door. He slipped inside, closing it behind him. Putting out his cigarette, he walked into the main room to see Sanzo sitting at the table. The ill mannered priest had a cup of coffee in one hand, a newspaper in the other, and a cigarette dangling from his lips. Normally, Gojyo would just pass him by. But he didn't want to go to his room yet. He didn't want to face Hakkai yet.

"Ne, you're awake still?" Gojyo said absently as he pulled a chair up to the coffee table.

"You're back early." Sanzo simply responded, sipping his coffee with the cigarette still in his mouth.

"There weren't any pretty girls to chase tonight." Gojyo responded, knowing that it was a very weak excuse.

"Or there wasn't anyone that looked the way you wanted them to look."

Gojyo narrowed his eyes and then brushed Sanzo's words off, leaning back in his chair.

"I have my taste preferences too, you know."

"They seem to gravitate toward green eyes and brown hair if I'm not mistaken." Sanzo said lightly.

The words struck a nerve in Gojyo and he suddenly sprang from his seat, grabbing the priest by his robes and hauling him off the chair. Sanzo said nothing, only stared at Gojyo with his violet eyes, the same sour expression gracing his facial features.

"What the hell do you mean by that, you bastard priest?"

"I only mean what I have said, you've placed the content in it yourself." came Sanzo's flat reply.

Gojyo blinked and then settled Sanzo back into his chair. If Gojyo's outburst had even slightly frayed Sanzo, the blonde showed no inkling of it, simply straightening his robes and picking up his paper again.

"Now get the hell out of here before I shoot you."

Gojyo knew better than to question Sanzo's words, especially since he was in as foul a mood as the priest always was in.

**He doesn't understand though... He doesn't understand this pain... The only one who does is Hakkai... And I can't tell him now...**

~Please forgive me, I know not what I do,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you,
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through,
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do,"
Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you...~

Gojyo turned away from Sanzo and walked up the stairs, cursing at the blonde haired man. He made the turn around the bend and almost ran into Goku, who was ready to run down the stairs.

"Stupid ape, why don't you watch where you're going?" Gojyo growled.

"Me? What are you talking about, why don't you watch you erokappa!" Goku responded back, and then held his stomach as it growled. "Ne, I'm hungry, and Hakkai's too busy to fix me a snack."

"Well, why don't you just go and do it yourself." Gojyo responded sarcastically.

"I am!" Goku said proudly. "I know I'll have to learn some time since Hakkai won't be travelling with us any more in a couple days. It will be weird, won't it Gojyo, not having him around. Even if his fiancee is a little odd."

As Goku passed by cheerfully, Gojyo caught his arm, not hard enough to hurt but enough to get his attention.

"What do you mean by 'odd' Goku?"

"Well, I don't have a great memory, but I do remember Hakkai telling me things about his sister Kanon and how much they loved each other. I guess Sara acts just like her."

Gojyo tried to shove the lump down in his throat. Hakkai had found a woman that wasn't just another girl, but someone who could replace Kanon in every aspect. The thought sickened him to the core.

"Arigato for telling me, Goku." Gojyo said softly, ruffling the boy's hair. "Now get out of here, you idiotic monkey."

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!! SANZO, GOJYO IS CALLING ME A DUMB MONKEY AGAIN!!" Goku wailed as he ran down the stairs toward the main room.

~Still feels like our best times are together,
Feels like the first touch,
Still getting closer baby,
Can't get close enough,
Still holding on,
You're still number one...~

Gojyo stared at the door in front of him. Hakkai and him had spent countless nights together in the same room, but he had never thought much about it until recently. Until he realized a few months back that not only did Hakkai exsist in the day with him, but also in night, in the fantasies that danced in his head. The only thing he found himself longing to do now was to kiss Hakkai slowly, touch him, make him whisper his name. Gojyo quenched the thoughts quickly, trying not to add to the rawness that was already killing him inside.

**And they think that Sanzo's got a small heart... I think mine is almost destroyed...**

Gojyo raised his hand and knocked softly on the door.

"Hai?" came that same familiar, gentle voice.

"Hakkai, you busy?"

"No, Gojyo, please come in."

~I remember the smell of your skin,
I remember eveything,
I remember all the moves,
I remember you yeah,
I remember the night, you know I still do...~

The door closed quietly behind Gojyo and he turned to see Hakkai standing in the middle of the room, some of his perfectly pressed shirts in his arms. Gojyo normally smiled at that sight, being it was usually his shirts that Hakkai had folded. But this was not the case tonight, he was placing his own clothing in a couple old suitcases.

"What are you doing?" Gojyo asked quietly.

"Oh, Sara has invited me to live with her for the next couple days until the wedding. I'm just packing up a few of my things in these old suitcases she gave me. I won't need too much, she said she'll make me a whole new wardrobe with her wonderful sewing skills."

He was smiling. That smile was breaking Gojyo apart inside. He choked back the sudden urge to run out of the room screaming in favor of taking on his offish persona instead.

"Ne, well I'm sure she's quite good with a needle." Gojyo responded absently and wandered over to the bed.

"She is, and she's so beautiful, Gojyo. She talks so eloquently, and she's graceful, and everything that I have missed for so long since... since..."

"...Kanon..." Gojyo finished the sentence for Hakkai.

The green eyed man's smile seemed to slip for a moment, but only for a brief one before it was fixiated with the smile of a man ready to start again.

"We have so much ahead of us, Gojyo. She's even gotten me a job teaching again. It will be like old times, where I didn't have to worry, and I'll have someone to come home too."

**You already have someone to come home too, Hakkai, can't you see that?!!**

~So if you're feeling lonely, don't,
You're the only one I'll ever want,
I only want to make it good,
So if I love you a little more than I should...~

Gojyo just nodded slightly, feeling almost dizzy. He wandered over to the window in Hakkai's room. He wasn't sure why the younger man always insisted on having a window, but he was grateful tonight. He drew his red eyes up to the night sky, moving them back and forth from star to star.

Hakkai approached him, resting his hands on Gojyo's shoulders and rubbing gently. Gojyo was grateful he was faced away from the brunette so he couldn't see him flinch.

**He doesn't know what that makes me feel... Please stop, Hakkai, stop before I completely snap...**

Still, he said nothing. Hakkai continued to rub gently, something he used to do when Gojyo would come home trashed, wasted, and too drunk to stand. He'd clean him up, put him to bed and rub his shoulders until he went to sleep. He had done it since they had lived together and even now, still waited up for him. That changed when they had come to this village. Now, Gojyo found himself waiting near a window until he would spy Hakkai and Sara. He'd watch them kiss and become ill, running out of the room and to the bathroom again.

~Please forgive me, I know not what I do,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you,
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through,
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do,
Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you...~

"Gojyo, I want you to be my best man. Sanzo said that I can have one at the ceremony."

Gojyo closed his eyes, trying to block out the request, but it played a thousand times over in his head.

"I... I can't..." Gojyo said softly, his words starting to crack.

"But why not, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked as he moved to the side of the red haired man. "Surely you can stop womanizing for an hour to come to the wedding. Sanzo said he'd even shorten the ceremony if.."

Hakkai's words were silenced as Gojyo swooped down, capturing his lips with his own.

~The one thing I'm sure of,
Is the way we make love,
The one thing I depend on,
Is for us to stay strong...~

Gojyo drew back and returned to staring out the window again.

Hakkai swallowed, bringing a trembling hand to his lips. Gojyo had just kissed him, he had registered that, but wasn't prepared for the sudden dam of feeling ready to burst inside of him. He felt like he had never felt before and he swore then that the mask around his face, that perfect smile was cracking.

He thought he had been happy with Sara. But he hadn't realized anything until Gojyo kissed him. He hadn't realized until now that he was about ready to relive the life he had left behind when he was Cho Gonou. To stay with Sara would be perfect, euphoria, and more pain that Hakkai could bear. He couldn't relive that part of his life again, even if Sara would remain alive. It was cause too many more memories to resurface again.

"G-Gojyo, why... Why did you kiss me?" the normally calm man stumbled through.

"You know why I did."

"No I don't, dammit! Gojyo, why the hell did you kiss me?!" Hakkai suddenly shouted. It was the first time that Gojyo had ever seen him raise his voice.

The red haired man would have said something, but all of his strength was gone. He was too tired to fight or question, and he suddenly crumpled to a pile in the ground. Hakkai let out a sound of shock and dropped down to his knees in front of his fallen best friend. Gojyo didn't bother to look up. He was too far gone and needed Hakkai so badly now he was willing to beg.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai tried to help Gojyo off the ground, but the crimson eyed man motioned for him to let him stay there.

"Let me be."

"No, Gojyo, you could have hurt something in your..."

Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's hand and rested it on his bare chest, over his heart.

"This is the only thing in me that hurts now, Hakkai."

Hakkai stared at his hand on Gojyo's chest, not able to say anything. He felt his heart twist and then he knew it had happened. The emotions that were kept so careful and in check came undone, flooding him more than they had previously. Choking, he dropped his head, his mouth turned downwards, tears flooding from his eyes.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo could barely whisper.

"Gojyo, I want to feel. I want to feel anger, and joy, and sadness, and you. I want to feel you..."

Without warning, Hakkai suddenly lunged forward, pressing his lips tightly against Gojyo's. It was the other man's turn to be stunned as he fell onto his back, their lips still pressed together. The kiss broke slowly, Hakkai staring down at Gojyo's with a heavily tear stained face.

**Kamisama... He... He loves me...**

Gojyo didn't need Hakkai to say it, didn't need to see him mouthing the words. Instead, he held Hakkai close to him, scooping him up and standing before laying Hakkai down on the bed, crawling on top of him.

"I promise I'll make it so good for you, Hakkai... I'll make it so damn good..." Gojyo whispered in Hakkai's ear, undoing the buttons of the other man's shirt.

Hakkai just sobbed softly and held tightly to Gojyo, burying his face into the other man's neck and tasting both their tears.

~Please forgive me, I know not what I do,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you,
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through,
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do,
Babe believe it, every word I say is true,
Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you...~

Hakkai opened his eyes slowly, the warmth of the slow rising sun bathing his face. Yawning a bit, he glanced over to the bed, finding it empty beside him. A sudden wash of panic flew over him and he set up so fast in bed, he almost got vertigo.

"Gojyo?!" Hakkai cried out.

Gojyo came quickly out of the small bathroom and sat on the bed, gathering Hakkai up in his arms.

"Koibito, what's wrong?"

Hakkai had never had a real pet name before and the word thrilled him. He looked up into Gojyo's deep red eyes.

"I thought... I thought you might have... have left after last night..."

"Never, Hakkai, never."

**And that's true, Hakkai... I can never leave you now... Wherever you go, I will always follow you... I am your slave...**

Hakkai gave Gojyo a smile, a real one without any facade and then rested his head under Gojyo's chin.

"But, what will I tell Sara?"

"Tell her..." Gojyo began. "Tell her the truth, Hakkai."

The other younger man nodded, curling into Gojyo's embrace.

**If Sara is that much like Kanon, Hakkai... She'll understand...**

~No, believe, I don't know what I do,
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you...~

Jeep rode down the rode, the four men relaxing quietly in it.

"Hey, Hakkai, what happened between you and Sara? How come you called off the wedding so quickly?" Goku questioned.

Goku's response came with a good whomp from Sanzo's fan.

"Baka! That is none of your business!"


Hakkai just smiled, listening to the two melee when he felt a hand rest gently on his shoulder. He glanced a bit to the side, seeing the darker skin tone. He gave a small nod and continued his drive, Gojyo's hand resting firmly on his shoulder and reminding him that he was always there.

~I can't stop... loving you...~


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